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Time, Place, and Manner

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Fit Attorney Wanted for Virtuous Accommodations

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[Actual Craigslist ad]

We are currently seeking an attorney for our Denver and Colorado Springs locations. This attorney must have at least four years of general practice experience. Please do not respond to this ad if you have less then four years experience. Must have experienced with Nexis Lexis.

We would like diversity in our hired counsel. Our preference of attorney would be someone fit and healthy, without too many extra curricular activities, an athlete preferably (Do not be dishonest on this count. Health matters to the client base). Also, please do not take this as an insult, as we have two attorneys whom are not so fit and healthy but, amazingly bright and hard working attorneys. They are charished. We are a unique firm on that aspect.

The position would entail working from home on some occassions, as space is tight while we try to build into a bigger office space. Our accomidations are very virtuous.

Now, this position entails a lot of work, patience, reliability, accountability and honesty. The attorney hired for this position is required to accept billing and have a Coltaf account. They will also be responsible for handling client funds and paying staff members from the funds collected. They will have to handle cases in an ethical manner. Our attorney must be able to work independently, and with others. Occassional weekend days required.

If you do not match this image, please do not apply. We are very serious about what this position requires and entails. We do require a drug and alcohol test and a background check.

Spanish speaking would be very beneficial. It is however, not required.

Please respond to the above email, resume only.

  • Location: Denver & Colorado Springs
  • Compensation: $3000.00 - $5000.00 Monthly
  • This is a contract job.
  • OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
  • Please, no phone calls about this job!
  • Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.




Dear Cowgirl7-11-13:

I am writing in response to the ad your firm posted on Craigslist. I know that your law firm needs a diverse, athletic attorney, as those skills are very much desired in the practice of law. I think I am the perfect candidate for this position, and I will tell you why.

I am diverse in that I am a white woman of European descent who was born and raised in Macon, Georgia. Pursuant to your requests, I am very fit and healthy. As a matter of fact, I am highly regarded in the world of competitive ballroom dance. Also, I note that your other attorneys are slovenly. If you hire me, I will ensure that a midday jog becomes mandatory. I find that I possess the special kind of voice that is exceptional at motivating others to run or engage in other physical activities. While I appreciate the unique nature of your bright yet unhealthy attorneys, I know that it is better to follow the norm in the industry by having very fit and dim counsel.

I do drink, but I will ensure that any alcohol is out of my system before testing for same. I do not engage in illicit drug use. I do, however, take several prescription drugs, but I obtain them from Canada on the black market, so the Colorado authorities will probably never find out about it.

I do not have experience with Nexis Lexis but I am very adept at Law West. It’s my understanding they are very similar. Further, I am very ethical, with the Supreme Court of Georgia and the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals both having made note of my standards of ethics and professionalism. I have no issues paying staff. I will state that this will require payment to me, which I will merely skim off the top to make it easier for you.

Based upon the requirements in your ad, I am sure I am the perfect candidate. An 8 x 10 glossy of my athletic build will be provided upon request.

Thank you for your consideration.


Your future lawyer,

Nancy Grace


PS. Se habla espanol.

[Read more from The Namby Pamby]

[Special thanks to Fo Tricksy and Liza]

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