To my departing summer wench on your last day:
We’ve reached the end of the summer and several things should be noted as you return to school. First, despite my best efforts to the contrary, I still have my law license. You should be commended for your work in furtherance of this noble goal. Second, I hope that I have drummed into you that clients are the enemy such that you will confidently inform your petulant teachers that they need to stop felating the client’s nobility in the classroom. Third, you have been properly exposed, in preparation for when you are hired, to fully understand the age old legal maxim of Mardes influit supinus.
In other words: the shit flows downhill.
I have attempted to impress this upon you each and everyday. The partner dumps a pile of demeaning work on my desk, I pick the items most likely to succeed (not to mention the easiest) and then I dump the rest of this mindless bitch work onto you. It’s the circle of life performed in six minute intervals. This is why I apologize every time that I give you something to do. But no matter what, you have done yeomen’s work as I have come to you time and time again with the most demeaning of tasks.
I hope that your resume will soon be updated to highlight some of your best achievements:
- Eagerly took the phone call from the annoying client from hell. Every time that she called.
- Took over all meaningful work on a case where the mere thought of the client gives me a migraine.
- Enthusiastically tabulated the 98 pages of itemized expenses for one case. On a Sunday night.
- Created someone I can blame when the State Bar comes investigating.
- Routinely bought Starbucks for me even though my usual order makes some question your masculinity. (Yes, I demand that you continue to order my latte with extra glitter even though its your last day.)
It’s incredibly unfortunate that you have to leave now and return to your school so that you can finish your legal education. Believe me, I have been giving serious thought between chaining you to your desk or calling your admissions office to let them know you’ve been arrested for child porn. If these options fail, I might just direct our hiring coordinator to fire you. Just to be nice though, I'll also have her draft the letter you'll need to send to the state bar. And first you'll be pissed at us for derailing your legal career. But, then you'll remember you like food and shelter, and you need money to get those things, and you'll be back.
I do hope that you learned something from your time here after all this was about getting you marketable experience that will make you a better lawyer when you return after the bar exam. If you haven’t learned something then maybe you were dropped on your head as a baby or just bitterly clinging to the notion that the practice of law is something to be revered. Don’t worry about me as I am refusing to get sentimental about your departure. I learned long ago that feelings are best modified with a fine single malt. Or a malt liquor.
As a parting gift, I want to you take all the documents in my office and copy them. Then collate them.
Think of this abundance of paper as my going away present to you.